Monday, November 21, 2011

Down dogs, change and uncontrollable toes - the challenging life of a yogi

I think you all know that I really dig this yoga gig and that I feel I may have even found something like a purpose in life.  For those close to me I have probably already bored you to tears with various recommendations for different positions, or perhaps even have dragged you to a yoga class, or sent you long emails outlining the pros and cons of different teachers with links to various podcasts.  You know I do it with the best intentions, and  honestly, I do it because yoga makes me feel soooooo good that I want everyone else to have that feeling too.

But I have to confess that lately I really suck at yoga.  And I don't just mean the physical yoga poses, I mean the whole realm that is yoga, the meditation, the chanting, the non-violence, the spirituality that goes with it and I am finding it really really hard to feel very 'yogic'.  I keep reminding myself of what Patric (my Innercityoga god) says, '...change comes one down dog pose at a time....'  Patric also says that if we can't control our toes (which honestly I really can't most days), then how can we possibly think about being in control of our lives.  This gives me the reality check but why is it so damn hard to remember this stuff and laugh about it when I am in the thick of things.

Here's my latest crisis.  I want to be able to teach yoga, in fact I even signed up to do a teacher training all the way over in Canada next year which a month ago felt like a huge step forward in this life long yoga journey.  But these days I can barely get my booty on the mat - and controlling my toes whilst on it is definitely in the super tricky category.  Everyone tells me that to be a good yoga teacher you have to have a great home practice, i.e., set the example for the people I may one day teach.  I really wanna be that fantastic yogi teacher but it's like the harder I try the more yoga begins to feel like a chore - oh god I feel blasphemous just saying that.

Deepak Chopra says detach, The Secret says attract, Zen Habits tells me to simplify, Robin Sharma tells me to get up at 5am but what I really want to do is just lie down in savasana and tell them all to f*$@&k off.

I have the feeling that life isn't really that difficult, it's not really so hard to be a yogi and that being spiritual shouldn't be confusing.  Did I miss something in all of this?  Yeah I get it that yoga is definitely a life long journey, that's the bonus of it all, it's something I don't have to 'finish' and for this little Belbin 'completer finisher', that really takes the pressure off.  So why do I suddenly feel such pressure to do 'yoga' and be a good yogi?

I don't know the answer to this question and I don't know how to detach from it, attract the solution, simplify my response and getting up at 5am is definitely not going to enlighten me.  I guess what I do know is that I could go and stand on my yoga mat tonight and that this is neither hard nor confusing.  It's a purple mat.  I just have to put it on the floor in the middle of the room, stand there and see what happens.  And maybe, just maybe I'll bust out a down dog or two, hell I may even go for some toe control :-)

PS - all top tips, like minded thoughts and advice about how to navigate this yoga spiritual journey are very welcome!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oooh Donna, Donna, I can so relate, it's time for a Skype chat! First, I hope you signed up in Vancouver with Semperviva Yoga... my awesome teacher runs the studios there... I feel the same, have had a rough time the last few weeks and my sometimes daily at least weekly yoga/meditation practice has fallen off the wayside (is that the right expression?) anyway, my main philosophy is that when I am ready, I will get back into it. Meanwhile, I'm being gentle with myself; I won't berade myself and feel guilty, thereby running the risk of further avoiding what I love. Savasana is yoga and meditation too, don't forget that, right?? So if that is what your body and soul feels like going, then that is what you are meant to do... This is my own personal yoga philosophy, listen to your body and soul, and don't be so hard on yourself. Does this make any sense? xxx